Friends

Having a tech-oriented friend is fun and exhausting at the same time. I get free updates on what’s latest in the tech industry, but every once in a while, I get raided with questions that remind me why this tech-thing is not for me.

 

“Samsung’s Exynos or Qualcomm’s snapdragon, which would you prefer on your phone?” He is always asking something techy. Some stuff I can’t wrap my head around.

 

“Uhmm…what?” I prefer to go with the classic squint of confusion here. A clear indication I have no idea what he is asking. Nor do I like where this conversation is going – into the deep ends of the tech industry.

 

If you ever listened to the two of us converse about tech, it would be hard for you not to blame me. He is one of those tech enthusiasts you hear about. The tech nerds, the fanatics; a techno-fiend you might say. Let’s call him Karma (It’s what I call him anyway). He is interested in the intricacies of technology and what it has to offer. And don’t get me wrong, I am too. Especially where we get to use it to make things easier – like in those butt-wiping-Japanese toilets. Which I’m yet to lay my eyes on – the sole reason I’m speaking it into existence. The point is he knows a lot which makes me look uninformed. With him, you get to learn something new every day. And as fun as that sounds, there is a limit to what my mind can comprehend.

 

He is always up to date with emerging trends in the tech industry, speculating some brands might do well in the future, and others might tumble. He hates the fact that Oppo’s cameras turn Africans into white people every time we take those sunkissed selfies. iPhones are alright, although not his go-to smartphone. His smartphone preference leans more towards the Samsung brand. He is eager to see how Huawei works out their current problems catalysed by the US sanctions. And he gets super pumped when the conversation shifts to the idea of electric vehicles. If it were up to him, we should’ve ditched all the fossil fuel vehicles in the country already – something I vouch for. Videography and photography excite him far more than it does to me. And every time he tries to explain why I take shitty photographs (his words not mine), I lose my mind.

 

“You need to adjust your ISO and aperture when shooting outside. You just can’t use the same setting for indoors and outdoors shooting.”

 

Yeah right.

 

It’s probably the tenth time he’s telling me this, but I’m so unmindful even to remember the settings he recommended for outdoors shooting. There is a likelihood I will die an amateur photographer. Something that I’m gradually coming to terms with.

 

This is how I know all his jibber-jabber about tech is getting to me. I’m now more aware than ever that I’m using an old smartphone, and the need to purchase a new one is slowly awakening. He has made me realise there are things my phone can’t do. Stuff I didn’t care about in the past. And the realisation is gradually extending to my PC like a virus. Her response time is no faster than that sloth guy in Zootopia; which calls for a serious upgrade or replacement. Initially, I was just happy that she could let me type and google stuff like how much money we owe China – so far. And like that’s not enough, I’m occasionally on Youtube watching tech-related videos. Which, oddly enough, I find quite entertaining. I have this uneasy feeling that in a couple of months I’ll be the one asking people whether they prefer Qualcomm’s Snapdragon or Samsung’s Exynos, only that this time I’ll have a pretty good idea of what each brings to the table.

 

Chances are I’m not alone in this. We all have that one friend in the group that is tech-oriented. Their mind-boggling questions may be a pain in the ass, but what better way for you to discover that you don’t know as much as you thought you did. Friends always brand each other names. To your friends, you may be the tech guy, the parent figure, the broke friend, the social media maven or the lazy friend. But if not, let’s see which other  shoe could fit.

 

 

The Kelvin Hart

Undoubtedly, this is the short-friend in the group. Because let’s be honest, tall people seem to lack a good sense of humour. Someone with both has probably duped the system. They are the type of friends you want around you. They keep the group in check with their never-ending sarcasm.  It’s their nine-to-five job to keep everyone cheery and in a good mood. A bit difficult of a job to do when most of them are just 5’4 off the ground, but they manage. They will repeatedly say stuff like “it’s exhausting being the funny one in the group”. These funny bastards will have you cracking up at a funeral talking about a good sense of humour knows no bounds.

 

 

The Healthy Nut

This one just joined the newly opened gym. A thirty-minutes run in the morning marks the start of their day, followed by some home workouts, and a gym session in the evening. Ordering fast foods earns you a ten-minute lecture on how junk foods are ticking time bombs. And how that energy drink you like so much is disintegrating your insides. You should order salads and drink water (True but, you know, it’s annoying when they point it out). The lady at the grocery store is their favourite buddy. She’s the source of their daily dose of fruits and veggies – and the raw beetroots they chew once in a while. They own a blender for making smoothies. And when you pour yourself a red bull vodka, they will get a glass of smoothie and make a toast, ‘To living a healthy lifestyle’. You will hear things like ‘cake is bad for you’ on multiple occasions. Like we aren’t all just cakes at this point. They will forward you articles with titles like ‘Drinking red bull vodka is the same as doing cocaine’. You probably won’t read it, but they will have done their part.

 

 

The Coffee Addict

This one is hooked on caffeine. In other words, they are cocaine addicts. They can’t do without it. Only rehab can save them.

 

 

The Vegan

There are two sides to this coin. On one side we have the guy with the allergies. Pretty chill and mellow. Not a word about being vegan until you all are at your favourite nyama choma spot and all of a sudden they turn purple talking about how they have meat allergy. 

 

On the other side, we have the vegan-by-choice fellow. This one is a chaotic herbivore. They make it known by casually sliding their vegan tales into every conversation. And like that’s not enough, they want everyone to know it’s by choice. They will casually send you videos of slaughterhouses just to show you what your meat-eating habits are encouraging. But when you send them videos of tired farmers attending to crops they get mad. They want none of that double standard crap near them. The most annoying thing is when your vegan friend is trying to prove that ‘vegans can do anything’. Don’t get me wrong; I know they can. But guess what vegans don’t have a clean record doing? Climbing Mount Everest.

 

 

The Giraffes (Twiga)

Saying tall people lack a sense of humour earlier might have been a tad harsh. They do have a dry sense of humour. 

Their favourite game is placing things on the top shelves where only their fellow giants can reach. Their sense of humour revolves around asking you ‘how it’s like down there’ and calling you ‘boob-height’ to your face. Taking selfies with them is exceptionally awkward. They are either forced to squat or give you a piggyback ride. The alternative is the lean dance to come down to your height. The only reason you should keep around is for the piggyback rides. They have a good heart, though.

 

 

The Flat Earther

This is that one friend that seems sane until they open their mouth and suddenly the earth is flat or ‘domed’ and science has been lying to us. They believe we live under the dome and there is nothing you can do about it. With no proof of their theory, I feel like they’d be better debating the possibility of the universe being an egg or the earth being hollow. 

I don’t know about you, but I like eggs, and I would, without a doubt, back the egg theory.

 

 

The Short Friend

Just offer a popsicle when you see them. They have had it rough down there over the years. Do not call them ‘boob-height’. Please.

 

 

The Joeys

If you have watched the show Friends you know what I’m talking about. This is that one carefree freak. Nothing worries them in life. This dude is ever happy even when shit goes south. They have no fear, no shame, and are ever late, and forgetful. Spending a day with them means answering startling questions like ‘why don’t islands just float away’ and ‘whether kids born on the 29th of February wait for four years to turn one’. Besides their silly questions, such friends are willing to jump through hoops for you. The best part is they play the best wingmate – enough reason to keep them around.

 

 

The Conspiracy Theorist

They are the most interesting characters in the group. Interesting, but difficult to understand and deal with.  They will swamp you with stories of how the moon landing was fake, how the government has aliens in captivity, and how the Illuminati has your favourite artist on their knees. Most recently, their big story revolves around coronavirus and how it’s a bioweapon created in a lab in China. They ruin every conversation with their conspiracy theories, and you just miserably sit there listening to their tales. If you take what they say seriously, you will end up questioning your entire existence.

 

 

The Apostle

This is that one friend who is a true believer. Don’t expect much from them. All you will receive is motivation quotes and bible verses. They drain the life out of discussions, talking about that joke was rude and inappropriate. Thoughts on shunning them have crossed everyone in the group, but no one dares to bring it up. They are your only gateway to heaven so whether to keep them around or not isn’t even up for debate.

 

(No offence to my friends who send me bible verses. I appreciate you all.)

 

 

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